Being Gay Causes Cancer

It’s a warm breezy Monday early evening, the suns up, out and about, traffics passable. A perfect day. Minus the Monday part. No rainbows, pink shirts or blue stars and out of the nowhere my mom asks me, “Hey Derp, I got a question... Do you think someone can turn gay from getting stuff done to them in university?”
“Eh... What do yo mean by turn gay and getting stuff done?” I reply.
“Like... Okay so don’t tell anyone, but amongst our family friends I heard one of their child is gay.” She continues, “do you think they turned that way from stuff happening in university or was he born with a DNA defect?”
Un-fucking-believable. “Mom, are that’s fucking retarded? People don’t turn gay and never ever talk to Gwai Los (non-Asians) like that. Do not call it a defect. It’s called different... okay?”
“Okay...” She forges on, “so do you think they would turn gay from bad experiences in university?”
“MOM, whoever told you that is utterly retarded.” I continue, “People are born gay not turned gay.” I hate when this happens, shes perked my curiosity. It gets the best of me and I fire away, “So who’s this gay person?”
Her mouth twists a bit and she winces, “I can’t tell you, no body knows, not even your father.”
In my head I’m running imaginary comics of me faceplaming myself. I crusade onwards in curiosity, “Ok lemme guess, you went to a BBQ with family friends, it can’t be Alex because I checked out girls with him, not Billy because he dresses like a fai jai (gangster-wannabe).” I pause to let her digest a bit. An imaginary Sarah Palin pops up in my head, “Got-cha!” I slip out the last name, “Ken. It’s Ken.”
Her eyes open oval, jaw drops and she starts squirming, “Huh? Ken who?”
Uh-huh, thats right mom, play dumb with me. I’m totally talking about Ken from the Barbie series. I play it cool, “You know, Ken as in dai (big) Ken, dad’s bestfriend’s son?”
At this point her gears are in full motion, alarm bells ringing, fire control in full effect, humor me conservative mom. I may not be the very good at reading people, but I’ve read enough signs to figure it out. Plus my logic.
“How did you know? You mustn’t tell anyone, Poon Uncle and Poon Auntie really want to save face, that’s why Ken moved out and staying in Guelph.
“Seriously? Mom, last Christmas, remember all those friends I had over from U of T? They’re all gay except for two. Two of the girls are lesbians, one of them is bisexual, and the other two are straight. The two guys, they’re both gay.Remember my ex Joey? Yah, she’s bisexual too.”
“Oh...” she replies. “So Joey turned gay?”
Ouch mom, just ouch. Too soon bro? I heave out a sigh and shake my head, “No mom, Joey is physically attracted to girls and emotionally attracted to guys.”
“Yah Derp, this stuff is all new to me, I grew up in a different age, back then, this stuff didn’t exist. You can’t tell anyone what you know Derp.” She drones on, “Your Aunt told me this, don’t tell anyone you know, even father doesn’t know.”
Well, glad to know that if I ever turn gay I can approach my mom and aunt. Useless. She continues, “You know Ken is causing a lot of stress on Poon Auntie, she got cancer from the stress because he’s gay. He’s their only son and only hope. It was so selfish of him to say no to another child earlier.”
What. The. Fuck. Where the fuck does she get her facts from? There are many causes of cancer and then there are factors of cancer. Having a gay son who causes stress is only a factor, not to mention that it is a self-inflicted factor. This is Canada, not Hong Kong China. Fuck, even Hong Kong is full of TBs (Tomboys) and lesbians. I fucking attended a gay pride party with Joey back a couple years. Jesus Christ, Ken caused his mom to have cancer because he is gay.That’s a good one. I’ll save it for the books.
I stare at her sincerely, “Mom, Ken is under a lot of stress, he’s virtually kicked out of his family. He probably didn’t want a sibling because his parents are getting old and can’t take care of it. Me and my brother didn’t care if you and dad had another child because we just don’t care. Without one, we’re okay, with another one... well the more the merrier.” After a brief pause I just had to throw it out there, “I was a little disappointed that I got a sister instead of a brother, but we’ll survive.”
She smirks, “Yah whatever, she looks like you.”
Har har-dy har har. Subtle. Good one mom. So does that make me a girl or my sister a boy?
As I get out of the purple Sienna to head to school, I take a look back through the driver window as my mom shifts to the driver seat, “Hey mom, you know Ken is going through a very very rough time right?”
“Haiii, just mind your own business and don’t worry about it.”
Uh-huh. Hmm maybe I should introduce Ken to my gay friend Matt. Matt loves Asian guys. Let the scheming begin. Ideas welcome, gays please apply.